Tea for the Island Monkeys and the Ostensibly Free

Tonight England and the US meet in their opening game of the 2010 World Cup. If you're in America, you've likely already heard that this is a huge match. If you're English, you'll only consider this match important if somehow the Americans prevail, which is rather unlikely.

The American press is playing this up as if these are two equal sides...or at least nearly equal. This is more than a little presumptuous. The American side is very good. And by New World standards, it's truly a good team. Well coached, well conditioned.

But it's not England. This isn't even a particularly great English side. The Americans could catch the English unaware. As I say, unlikely, but in football/soccer anything could happen.

I plan to be as supportive as I can while watching this match. If I see a player doing something bone-headed, I'll offer him an embarrassing tea. Whether he plays for the Island Monkeys (as the Germans call the English) or for the Land of the (ostensibly) free/home of the (questionably) brave, I will be as even-handed as possible. Or at least I'll try.

I'll start out with the managers before the match has even started. Fabio Capello has his hands full. From me, he'll get a good sturdy Assam Greenwood and I'm sure he'll drink it black or with a bit of sugar. I wonder if he's become a tea drinker while in the employ of the three lions. If he hasn't, this Assam Greenwood is a good gateway tea. Really good.

The US coach thinks tea is for when you're ill, and even then he won't drink it. I'll serve him one of those huge Arizona Iced Teas in a glass bottle. There's enough sugar in there that you can't really taste any actual tea.

Gerrard scored very very early. For that, he gets a Ceylon Bop Uva. One of the nicest Ceylons I know. Heskey almost took the American Goal-keeper out of the game with a very brutal slide. I accept he was playing the ball, but it was a bit too aggressive for my taste. Earl Grey for Heskey.

Dempsey just made shockingly unexpected goal (the English keeper, Green, made a horrible play). For the equalizer, Dempsey gets a Darjeeling Gielle. For the mistake, Green gets a nondescript used tea bag.

Bocanegra almost headed one in on a set piece. Donovan kicked it in from the corner. For that near-goal, both Donovan and Bocanegra get a cup of Dung-ti Oolong each.

Green stopped a near goal from Altidore and for his trouble, he can lose the teabag I gave him and have a true cup of Assam Greenwood like his manager before him.

Now we're in the 89th minute, and it looks like it just might end a 1:1 draw. I'm not making any more tea for anyone until someone shows a bit of passion...

Well it ended at one goal a piece. You lot can all go drink coffee. Hope the matches tomorrow are more interesting than today's.