Tea voodoo

In the dead of winter, the whole world gathers around their televisions and watches a sporting event. Ok, maybe not. The vast majority of Americans watch the Super Bowl and a few expats stationed around the world. They love to advertise the NFL Super Bowl as being watched in hundreds of countries, but my response to that is always, 'Just because you're broadcasting it, doesn't mean the people in those countries are really watching it.' They don't understand American football and they don't want to. Really.

They do know another kind of football. The whole world will be watching the biggest sporting event this summer. The real event-the World Cup. It's taking place in South Africa and I can barely contain my excitement about it. Tonight, there's a game that is almost as exciting. Almost.

The best teams from each of the European leagues play against one another during the fall and spring. The competition is called the Champions League, and the final two teams playing tonight are Inter Milan, who I like, and FC Bayern Munich, who I like far far less. Because I can think of not much else tonight, I'm going to report on the match while it's going on and tell you what tea I'd serve each of them as the game progresses. In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that there is no team in European football that I dislike more than FCBayern. None.

My little reverie here is an attempt to do some serious voodoo against them. I'm normally rather opposed to Italian teams as well, but Internationale Milan is my team for one evening. The enemy of my enemy and all that...

The match starts slowly and only Milan has had any real shots in the first ten minutes. Because I like the tackle Milan's defender,
just made, I'd quickly brew him up a strong Oolong. Maybe a Dung-ti. That'll do.

For Bayern's Schweinsteiger, which roughly means 'he who mounts pigs' in German, I would brew a nice chamomile. Go to sleep Schweini...you are getting sleepy. Robben just shot a rocket, but it went nowhere near the goal. A cup of really mild White tea for the Dutchman. Demichelis just got a yellow card. The referee ignores his pleas, and promptly gives him a steaming mug of Earl Grey. He's doing my job. Good job from the official there.

Milito just scored Milan's first goal. For that, he gets my new black tea blend. It's got Assam Greenwood and Khongea , as well as a few other teas I won't mention. That's reward enough right there.

The player I want to really do some damage tonight is Brasilian Lucio. He played for Bayern for years and although he's a defender and doesn't get many chances to shoot, I'd brew up a blend of Assam and Lapsang Souchong. He needs strength and smoke, and that should get him fired up for the task.

Milan's defender Maicon is having the game of his life. For him, I'd brew a really strong China green. Maybe a Temple of Heaven Gunpowder. Yeah, that'll work.

The other crucial player for Milan is Wesley Sneidjer, and from me he'd get a Macha. A strong one. Right before he ran out on the pitch. Hope that helps him control the midfield.

Well, Milito's scored his second goal, and that's most likely it for Bayern, the jerks. For that goal, he gets a Ceylon Nuwara 'Lover's Leap'. Thank you Diego Milito. You've made my day.

What sort of tea goes with miserable football?

Vorher

Somehow I was able to sneak a thermos into the stadium a few weeks ago. Because it worked so much better than expected, I plan to see how much I can manage again tomorrow. A picnic? Actual bone china teacups? Will do what I can, take photos and report on the results.

It's the last match of the season. Am going with a crowd of rough trouble-makers. The last thing they're thinking about is tea. With these animals, I'm always a bit nervous they'll get angry at the officiating and go out onto the pitch. If they do, they'll be going without me.

Can't you just see it? My hooligan friends completely without regard for human decency scurrying over the barricades to attack the opposing players or photographer or the guy dressed as a Disney character...all the while, I'll be sitting calmly sipping my tea. Happy that I know better than to try and provoke the German police.

Am sure some of you are saying, 'What does football have to do with tea?'

Well, it does. Why does football have to be associated with beer? I know it's the most logical fit, but still. Bowling makes me think of White Russians. And Bourbon goes with the Kentucky Derby (for obvious reasons). Cricket is much more associated with tea, but I'm no cricket fan.

So while everyone else in the stadium is enjoying malted hops, I'll be clandestinely sipping my tea. What would you suggest I brew for the big event?

A little backstory: it's one of the worst teams in the second division of German football (Zweite Bundesliga) and no lead is ever safe. Watched them leading 3-0 going into the 80th minute against Wiesbaden a few years ago, and they blew it. The game finished 3-3.

What tea goes with a miserable football side? Am sure some of you support a terrible team and you can help me out. Red Dave need not answer. And you FC Bayern fans can enjoy your title(s) and please be quiet about it. Enough already.

You have about 12 hours to influence my tea choice.

Nachher

Well, my prediction was totally off. We won. Handily. Was unbelievable. I screamed so much that I have no voice left. Am glad I had both tea in the stadium and another thermos in the car for the drive home. During the match, I drank a blend of Assam Hajua and Assam Greenwood.

Afterward, I had a Japan Sencha Fudjithat helped soothe my throat.