You can have any colour you want...as long as it's black

'You can have any colour you want...as long as it's black'
-Henry Ford on the Model T


Most of my weekly travel is relatively nearby, but Thursday mornings I go to a little town about half an hour east-northeast of Munich called Poing. My clients work for an industrial printer/copier manufacturer, and although their actual business is mind-numbingly boring, the people are hilarious. Most of what I do is help people break down stereotypes of the different nationalities they work with, and help them learn to better understand other people.

Because I never know what to expect refreshment-wise when I go to companies, I always pack a thermos or two. It does take time out of my morning ritual, but when I'm sitting in a meeting sipping on an above-average Oolong or Darjeeling, it makes it worth my while. Without a doubt.

Today I had half a mug left over for the ride home, and I savoured it as we sped through the vibrant green fields back towards the city. It was a blend from different teas I picked up in Hamburg in the spring. The tea comes from a region between Hamburg and the Netherlands called Ostfriesland. Talked at length with a few tea shop owners in Hamburg when I was there and learned a bit about what makes a good blend of black teas.

The tannins in black tea are incredibly healthy, but unfortunately bitter. I've toyed with blending the bitterest of my black teas with milder ones and it seems the balance is the secret. As bitter as you can make it, but not too much so. Am always trying mixtures of different Assams and other teas I find.

One tea I don't drink on it's own, because it's just too bitter, is an Assam called Greenwood. Mixed with other teas, it's fantastic. One of the teas I've found that softens the blow is actually a tea from Java called Santosa. It has all the strength of a good Assam without the bitterness. At least that's my experience.

I'm still partial to Indian teas. I love green and white teas, and it doesn't matter to me whether they're from Japan or China or somewhere else in Asia. But I still get such a kick out of a new Darjeeling I haven't tried before. African black teas are purportedly excellent. Need to find a shop that offers them.

If you have any tips or questions about blending black teas, please leave a comment here. If I don't know the answer to your queries, I'll make every effort to find the answer out. Would love to do it.

Tea for the Island Monkeys and the Ostensibly Free

Tonight England and the US meet in their opening game of the 2010 World Cup. If you're in America, you've likely already heard that this is a huge match. If you're English, you'll only consider this match important if somehow the Americans prevail, which is rather unlikely.

The American press is playing this up as if these are two equal sides...or at least nearly equal. This is more than a little presumptuous. The American side is very good. And by New World standards, it's truly a good team. Well coached, well conditioned.

But it's not England. This isn't even a particularly great English side. The Americans could catch the English unaware. As I say, unlikely, but in football/soccer anything could happen.

I plan to be as supportive as I can while watching this match. If I see a player doing something bone-headed, I'll offer him an embarrassing tea. Whether he plays for the Island Monkeys (as the Germans call the English) or for the Land of the (ostensibly) free/home of the (questionably) brave, I will be as even-handed as possible. Or at least I'll try.

I'll start out with the managers before the match has even started. Fabio Capello has his hands full. From me, he'll get a good sturdy Assam Greenwood and I'm sure he'll drink it black or with a bit of sugar. I wonder if he's become a tea drinker while in the employ of the three lions. If he hasn't, this Assam Greenwood is a good gateway tea. Really good.

The US coach thinks tea is for when you're ill, and even then he won't drink it. I'll serve him one of those huge Arizona Iced Teas in a glass bottle. There's enough sugar in there that you can't really taste any actual tea.

Gerrard scored very very early. For that, he gets a Ceylon Bop Uva. One of the nicest Ceylons I know. Heskey almost took the American Goal-keeper out of the game with a very brutal slide. I accept he was playing the ball, but it was a bit too aggressive for my taste. Earl Grey for Heskey.

Dempsey just made shockingly unexpected goal (the English keeper, Green, made a horrible play). For the equalizer, Dempsey gets a Darjeeling Gielle. For the mistake, Green gets a nondescript used tea bag.

Bocanegra almost headed one in on a set piece. Donovan kicked it in from the corner. For that near-goal, both Donovan and Bocanegra get a cup of Dung-ti Oolong each.

Green stopped a near goal from Altidore and for his trouble, he can lose the teabag I gave him and have a true cup of Assam Greenwood like his manager before him.

Now we're in the 89th minute, and it looks like it just might end a 1:1 draw. I'm not making any more tea for anyone until someone shows a bit of passion...

Well it ended at one goal a piece. You lot can all go drink coffee. Hope the matches tomorrow are more interesting than today's.

Tea for two at the Grand Prix

Watching the Eurovision Grand Prix

Now what the hell does this have to do with #tea, you ask? Be prepared to be entertained.

First of all, I’ve been watching the Eurovision Grand Prix for years. It’s mostly terrible. No exaggeration. Horrible.

Why do I watch it then? I like train wrecks. I like drama. I like to see the few performers who aren’t embarrassing. When there’s a good song and singer, it really is something to behold. Some years there’s nothing to behold except vocal mediocrity and bad songwriting.

If you have no clue what I’m talking about, go here: http://www.eurovision.tv

Here’s how I do this:

Some people know all of the songs from the different countries long before the performance even gets aired. They buy a cd with the songs weeks before the big day. And know all of the songs ahead of time. I don’t bother doing this. I’m mad but I’m not demented. Well, maybe a little demented, but in a good way.

When I hear the performers singing tonight, that’ll be my first and probably only opportunity to hear them. And I’m going to write my tea suggestions to them as I watch and then that’ll be today’s blog post. Sounds like fun, huh? Maybe not. But as is often the case, since watching this thing will take up so much of my evening, I feel possessed to write something about it.

The young man from Cyprus just showed us his belly before the curtain rose. He needs a tea that'll mature him in a short time. Some very dark Assam is called for. An Assam Greenwood is my choice. Get him a tea quickly. The guy from Bosnia/Herzegovina needs to be put out of his misery. Any tea will do, as long as it's laced with plenty of arsenic.

The boy from Belgium has a nice voice and is playing a song about him and his guitar. After my own heart. Give him a nice Dung-Ti Oolong. He's my pick thus far. The entry from Serbia was Balkan Freaky Dance music. They've already drunk the Kool-aid. No tea will help them at this point.

The Irish entry is far too ethnic. I'd like to give her an Irish Breakfast blend, but she needs less Ireland instead of more. She gets a simple Ceylon Adawatte. Both the Greeks and British singers were nearly as bad as their songs. This is dreadful. They simply get no tea and need to go home as soon as possible.

The lovely lady from Georgia can have any tea she desires. Were I to decide for her, she'd get a Ceylon Nuwara 'Lover's Leap'. The young lass from Iceland needs something slimming. A tea to speed up her metabolism maybe. The Ukranian woman looks like she was let out of a Ren Fest. She starts out in a cloak with a hood. Then, BAM, she whips it off and reveals a bottle-blond mane and Stevie Nicks dress. I'd give her a Chai. Not because I like Chai. Possibly because I don't like Chai.

Most years, I stay awake for all the performers, but this year I just can't seem to do it. will stay awake for at least long enough to see Germany's Lena. She's great, by the way, and I'd make her a nice white tea. My friends Annette and Nigel gave me a white tea called Mao Feng from a shop in Planegg (near Munich) called Tee Ecke. Lena seems to be ok with or without tea, but I'd steep up some white anyway.

They let Spain sing their song again, because some madman stormed the stage while they were performing at the beginning of the show. For the Spanish polka with dancing clowns, I'd make a tea that was sweet. Rooibus with caramel pieces. Calm those Spanish down a bit before they lose. Badly. At least that's my assumption.

Now they're voting. I'll have to write about the results when I wake up in the morning. Hope you enjoyed even a glimmer of this. I certainly did.

The next morning


Awakened to the news that little Lena von Deutschland won the whole enchilada. Wow. Never thought the pockets of Eastern European and Balkan viewers would vote for any German entrants. I read this morning that it was decided by not just the unwashed masses from each country but a jury of *experts* as well.

Don't know if that partailly explains Lena's win. Maybe not. Maybe the viewers liked her as well. All I know is she was my winner with or without the Eurovison gameshow.

I did like some of the others even if I knew they had no chance. I loved the permed Spanish guys with the sad, dancing clowns. The freaky Spanish polka didn't hurt either. Thought maybe I'd been dosed with some brown acid when they started that, but I quickly saw the beauty of it. Not everyone did.

I also agree with the results that the UK entry was the worst of the evening. What a horridly poor singer. I don't care how young they are, they should at least be able to stay on pitch. I guess the evening has little to do with any of the many definitions of the word 'pitch'.

Tea voodoo

In the dead of winter, the whole world gathers around their televisions and watches a sporting event. Ok, maybe not. The vast majority of Americans watch the Super Bowl and a few expats stationed around the world. They love to advertise the NFL Super Bowl as being watched in hundreds of countries, but my response to that is always, 'Just because you're broadcasting it, doesn't mean the people in those countries are really watching it.' They don't understand American football and they don't want to. Really.

They do know another kind of football. The whole world will be watching the biggest sporting event this summer. The real event-the World Cup. It's taking place in South Africa and I can barely contain my excitement about it. Tonight, there's a game that is almost as exciting. Almost.

The best teams from each of the European leagues play against one another during the fall and spring. The competition is called the Champions League, and the final two teams playing tonight are Inter Milan, who I like, and FC Bayern Munich, who I like far far less. Because I can think of not much else tonight, I'm going to report on the match while it's going on and tell you what tea I'd serve each of them as the game progresses. In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that there is no team in European football that I dislike more than FCBayern. None.

My little reverie here is an attempt to do some serious voodoo against them. I'm normally rather opposed to Italian teams as well, but Internationale Milan is my team for one evening. The enemy of my enemy and all that...

The match starts slowly and only Milan has had any real shots in the first ten minutes. Because I like the tackle Milan's defender,
just made, I'd quickly brew him up a strong Oolong. Maybe a Dung-ti. That'll do.

For Bayern's Schweinsteiger, which roughly means 'he who mounts pigs' in German, I would brew a nice chamomile. Go to sleep Schweini...you are getting sleepy. Robben just shot a rocket, but it went nowhere near the goal. A cup of really mild White tea for the Dutchman. Demichelis just got a yellow card. The referee ignores his pleas, and promptly gives him a steaming mug of Earl Grey. He's doing my job. Good job from the official there.

Milito just scored Milan's first goal. For that, he gets my new black tea blend. It's got Assam Greenwood and Khongea , as well as a few other teas I won't mention. That's reward enough right there.

The player I want to really do some damage tonight is Brasilian Lucio. He played for Bayern for years and although he's a defender and doesn't get many chances to shoot, I'd brew up a blend of Assam and Lapsang Souchong. He needs strength and smoke, and that should get him fired up for the task.

Milan's defender Maicon is having the game of his life. For him, I'd brew a really strong China green. Maybe a Temple of Heaven Gunpowder. Yeah, that'll work.

The other crucial player for Milan is Wesley Sneidjer, and from me he'd get a Macha. A strong one. Right before he ran out on the pitch. Hope that helps him control the midfield.

Well, Milito's scored his second goal, and that's most likely it for Bayern, the jerks. For that goal, he gets a Ceylon Nuwara 'Lover's Leap'. Thank you Diego Milito. You've made my day.

Tempering my Assam

Here's a tea review for you. Sort of. It's an anti-tea review, actually. And then a traditional review. Or as traditional as I'm capable of. I've already written a bit about Assam Greenwood. It's not a bad tea, but it's not to my taste. The best way to describe it is that it's too bitter for me. Now some say all black tea is bitter. Or that it depends upon steeping time. Or that it really depends upon which specific black tea you're talking about. All of these things are true. Certainly some black teas are less bitter, and the more developed your tongue, the better you can differentiate the amount of bitterness.

But what is the bitterness? It comes from the tea tannins. It's not tannic acid. It has nothing at all to do with that. The chemical compound is one of the things which makes tea so healthy. There are many other chemicals involved, some of which we know about. Many we don't. But many black teas are loaded with these bitter tasting tannins. Herein lies the problem. I like the Assam Greenwood, but it's too bitter. There's something about it that's just a bit too much.

A blend recipe

So now I'm going to describe the simplest of blends. Some of you seem interested in this, so I'll tell you what I'm doing. If you can't get these exact teas, try this with an Assam that has a lot of tannins. Ask your tea-seller which one. Then take another Assam that's definitely not so bitter. The ones I've been using most are Assam Hajua and Assam Khongea. The Hajua is stronger, and although it tempers the tannins quite nicely, this is not a light tea. Not by a long shot. But when you mix these two teas (1 part Greenwood plus 1 part Hajua/Khongea), it takes away some of the bitterness. Not all of it, but certainly the lion's share.

Like I said, you needn't try and get these exact teas from these exact plantations. Just because you find a tea online or in a shop that comes from Khongea, definitely does not mean that you and I are drinking the same tea. Two teas from the same plantation can have incredibly different qualities. It depends upon what season, as well as what year. And not all the plants are identical. Both your Khongea and mine will have the characteristics of what I'm describing, but they'll never be identical.

Assam Khongea

For an Assam, this is a surprisingly subtle tea. Like most, if not all, Assams, this has a taste of malt. No matter how smoothly in goes down, there will always be a bit of earthiness in an Assam. This one is typical on both counts: smooth and malty. It's certainly worth trying. I had multiple pots of straight Khongea today. Still prefer that to any Greenwood or highly tannic blend I've tried.

Would love some feedback on this. Try blending a few black teas. Whether the ones I've mentioned or the ones you already have in your pantry. Let me know.

What sort of tea goes with miserable football?

Vorher

Somehow I was able to sneak a thermos into the stadium a few weeks ago. Because it worked so much better than expected, I plan to see how much I can manage again tomorrow. A picnic? Actual bone china teacups? Will do what I can, take photos and report on the results.

It's the last match of the season. Am going with a crowd of rough trouble-makers. The last thing they're thinking about is tea. With these animals, I'm always a bit nervous they'll get angry at the officiating and go out onto the pitch. If they do, they'll be going without me.

Can't you just see it? My hooligan friends completely without regard for human decency scurrying over the barricades to attack the opposing players or photographer or the guy dressed as a Disney character...all the while, I'll be sitting calmly sipping my tea. Happy that I know better than to try and provoke the German police.

Am sure some of you are saying, 'What does football have to do with tea?'

Well, it does. Why does football have to be associated with beer? I know it's the most logical fit, but still. Bowling makes me think of White Russians. And Bourbon goes with the Kentucky Derby (for obvious reasons). Cricket is much more associated with tea, but I'm no cricket fan.

So while everyone else in the stadium is enjoying malted hops, I'll be clandestinely sipping my tea. What would you suggest I brew for the big event?

A little backstory: it's one of the worst teams in the second division of German football (Zweite Bundesliga) and no lead is ever safe. Watched them leading 3-0 going into the 80th minute against Wiesbaden a few years ago, and they blew it. The game finished 3-3.

What tea goes with a miserable football side? Am sure some of you support a terrible team and you can help me out. Red Dave need not answer. And you FC Bayern fans can enjoy your title(s) and please be quiet about it. Enough already.

You have about 12 hours to influence my tea choice.

Nachher

Well, my prediction was totally off. We won. Handily. Was unbelievable. I screamed so much that I have no voice left. Am glad I had both tea in the stadium and another thermos in the car for the drive home. During the match, I drank a blend of Assam Hajua and Assam Greenwood.

Afterward, I had a Japan Sencha Fudjithat helped soothe my throat.

Blend my tea, baby-Blend it

My opinion of blends isn't so good, but I think I need to reconsider. I only want to drink tea from this or that plantation. 'Where is this Darjeeling from?', I ask myself or whoever's serving it. I avoid non-descript black tea blends. That's a bit idiotic, don't you think? Not all blends are bad.

Here's why I'm talking about this: I have excess tea that I don't know what to do with. Drink it, you say? Well, duh. But it's not to my liking anymore. Or it never was. For example, I have a hundred grams of something called Assam Greenwood. It's not my taste. It's too tannic. I know that's supposed to be healthy (the same stuff that makes red wine good for you), but this tea is somehow displeasing.

So, I've started mixing it with what the Germans call 'China' tea. It mellows out the harshness of the Assam. This is likely where most blends are born. I've talked to quite a few tea shop owners about this. Most shops have their own line of blends. Called things like 'Breakfast blend' or 'Friesland blend'. They've learned that this or that mix of black tea is pleasing to their customer.

Tea shop owners must rue the day when they see me coming. A million questions always at the ready for them. Normally, they're only waiting for me to leave so they can go back to whatever they were reading before I came in.

Am still working on my list of tasting terms. Quite a few people here on the blog and in 'real' life have told me it's a good idea. Very practical. Coming soon, ok?