Saturday, 22 May 2010

Tea voodoo

In the dead of winter, the whole world gathers around their televisions and watches a sporting event. Ok, maybe not. The vast majority of Americans watch the Super Bowl and a few expats stationed around the world. They love to advertise the NFL Super Bowl as being watched in hundreds of countries, but my response to that is always, 'Just because you're broadcasting it, doesn't mean the people in those countries are really watching it.' They don't understand American football and they don't want to. Really.

They do know another kind of football. The whole world will be watching the biggest sporting event this summer. The real event-the World Cup. It's taking place in South Africa and I can barely contain my excitement about it. Tonight, there's a game that is almost as exciting. Almost.

The best teams from each of the European leagues play against one another during the fall and spring. The competition is called the Champions League, and the final two teams playing tonight are Inter Milan, who I like, and FC Bayern Munich, who I like far far less. Because I can think of not much else tonight, I'm going to report on the match while it's going on and tell you what tea I'd serve each of them as the game progresses. In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that there is no team in European football that I dislike more than FCBayern. None.

My little reverie here is an attempt to do some serious voodoo against them. I'm normally rather opposed to Italian teams as well, but Internationale Milan is my team for one evening. The enemy of my enemy and all that...

The match starts slowly and only Milan has had any real shots in the first ten minutes. Because I like the tackle Milan's defender,
just made, I'd quickly brew him up a strong Oolong. Maybe a Dung-ti. That'll do.

For Bayern's Schweinsteiger, which roughly means 'he who mounts pigs' in German, I would brew a nice chamomile. Go to sleep are getting sleepy. Robben just shot a rocket, but it went nowhere near the goal. A cup of really mild White tea for the Dutchman. Demichelis just got a yellow card. The referee ignores his pleas, and promptly gives him a steaming mug of Earl Grey. He's doing my job. Good job from the official there.

Milito just scored Milan's first goal. For that, he gets my new black tea blend. It's got Assam Greenwood and Khongea , as well as a few other teas I won't mention. That's reward enough right there.

The player I want to really do some damage tonight is Brasilian Lucio. He played for Bayern for years and although he's a defender and doesn't get many chances to shoot, I'd brew up a blend of Assam and Lapsang Souchong. He needs strength and smoke, and that should get him fired up for the task.

Milan's defender Maicon is having the game of his life. For him, I'd brew a really strong China green. Maybe a Temple of Heaven Gunpowder. Yeah, that'll work.

The other crucial player for Milan is Wesley Sneidjer, and from me he'd get a Macha. A strong one. Right before he ran out on the pitch. Hope that helps him control the midfield.

Well, Milito's scored his second goal, and that's most likely it for Bayern, the jerks. For that goal, he gets a Ceylon Nuwara 'Lover's Leap'. Thank you Diego Milito. You've made my day.


  1. Yay! World Cup! Soccer is THE football of the world! I will have to watch it in mid-night again though.

  2. I'd never thought of linking soccer to tea, but you did it and it works! Great even. I had to chuckle. Oh, the punishment you dish out to the Bayerns. Chamomile tea no less. Truly ghastly stuff.

    But what did you sip dear Lahik while watching the match?

  3. The whole party (Jeffrey, Iain, his wife Sabine 'Sam' and their son Simon) had a pot of Jamie Oliver Chili and then a pot of Assam Hajua.

    Only Jeffrey was for the home club, and he of Yankee and Manchester United fandom, was sad like no other. In the room at least.

    Sam despises FCBayern nearly as much as I do, and Iain couldn't be arsed to have an opinion (although he is a true 1860 Munich fan).

    Simon, who is still a toddler, could care less about the footy, but he loved the chili. Thanks Jamie.