Saturday, 29 May 2010

Tea for two at the Grand Prix

Watching the Eurovision Grand Prix

Now what the hell does this have to do with #tea, you ask? Be prepared to be entertained.

First of all, I’ve been watching the Eurovision Grand Prix for years. It’s mostly terrible. No exaggeration. Horrible.

Why do I watch it then? I like train wrecks. I like drama. I like to see the few performers who aren’t embarrassing. When there’s a good song and singer, it really is something to behold. Some years there’s nothing to behold except vocal mediocrity and bad songwriting.

If you have no clue what I’m talking about, go here:

Here’s how I do this:

Some people know all of the songs from the different countries long before the performance even gets aired. They buy a cd with the songs weeks before the big day. And know all of the songs ahead of time. I don’t bother doing this. I’m mad but I’m not demented. Well, maybe a little demented, but in a good way.

When I hear the performers singing tonight, that’ll be my first and probably only opportunity to hear them. And I’m going to write my tea suggestions to them as I watch and then that’ll be today’s blog post. Sounds like fun, huh? Maybe not. But as is often the case, since watching this thing will take up so much of my evening, I feel possessed to write something about it.

The young man from Cyprus just showed us his belly before the curtain rose. He needs a tea that'll mature him in a short time. Some very dark Assam is called for. An Assam Greenwood is my choice. Get him a tea quickly. The guy from Bosnia/Herzegovina needs to be put out of his misery. Any tea will do, as long as it's laced with plenty of arsenic.

The boy from Belgium has a nice voice and is playing a song about him and his guitar. After my own heart. Give him a nice Dung-Ti Oolong. He's my pick thus far. The entry from Serbia was Balkan Freaky Dance music. They've already drunk the Kool-aid. No tea will help them at this point.

The Irish entry is far too ethnic. I'd like to give her an Irish Breakfast blend, but she needs less Ireland instead of more. She gets a simple Ceylon Adawatte. Both the Greeks and British singers were nearly as bad as their songs. This is dreadful. They simply get no tea and need to go home as soon as possible.

The lovely lady from Georgia can have any tea she desires. Were I to decide for her, she'd get a Ceylon Nuwara 'Lover's Leap'. The young lass from Iceland needs something slimming. A tea to speed up her metabolism maybe. The Ukranian woman looks like she was let out of a Ren Fest. She starts out in a cloak with a hood. Then, BAM, she whips it off and reveals a bottle-blond mane and Stevie Nicks dress. I'd give her a Chai. Not because I like Chai. Possibly because I don't like Chai.

Most years, I stay awake for all the performers, but this year I just can't seem to do it. will stay awake for at least long enough to see Germany's Lena. She's great, by the way, and I'd make her a nice white tea. My friends Annette and Nigel gave me a white tea called Mao Feng from a shop in Planegg (near Munich) called Tee Ecke. Lena seems to be ok with or without tea, but I'd steep up some white anyway.

They let Spain sing their song again, because some madman stormed the stage while they were performing at the beginning of the show. For the Spanish polka with dancing clowns, I'd make a tea that was sweet. Rooibus with caramel pieces. Calm those Spanish down a bit before they lose. Badly. At least that's my assumption.

Now they're voting. I'll have to write about the results when I wake up in the morning. Hope you enjoyed even a glimmer of this. I certainly did.

The next morning

Awakened to the news that little Lena von Deutschland won the whole enchilada. Wow. Never thought the pockets of Eastern European and Balkan viewers would vote for any German entrants. I read this morning that it was decided by not just the unwashed masses from each country but a jury of *experts* as well.

Don't know if that partailly explains Lena's win. Maybe not. Maybe the viewers liked her as well. All I know is she was my winner with or without the Eurovison gameshow.

I did like some of the others even if I knew they had no chance. I loved the permed Spanish guys with the sad, dancing clowns. The freaky Spanish polka didn't hurt either. Thought maybe I'd been dosed with some brown acid when they started that, but I quickly saw the beauty of it. Not everyone did.

I also agree with the results that the UK entry was the worst of the evening. What a horridly poor singer. I don't care how young they are, they should at least be able to stay on pitch. I guess the evening has little to do with any of the many definitions of the word 'pitch'.


  1. You managed to get that far in the competition?
    It has been years since I stopped watching it :P

  2. What a great post, Ken. What an interesting angle to take on the Eurovision song contest. Now I'm wondering what the reason was for you giving me Japanese green tea a the one2one workshop. :


  3. This is my fall-back positon when I don't know what else to blog about. Whatever I'm watching in the evening, I take a few minutes to imagine what sort of tea I'd serve the main characters/players.

    I did it last weekend during the Champion's League Final.

    Thanks for reading Lisa.

  4. Barbara Andrew30 May 2010 at 03:22

    Haven't read one of your blogs before but will do so in future, very entertaining. Got sucked into Eurovision and even stayed till the bitter end. Actually not bitter as I picked Lena to win as soon as I heard her. Josh was abyssmal.