Whether you like it or not, celebrity drives media. Papers are sold not because people want to know what’s in the new financial regulations for the Greeks. A few people want to know that hard news stuff, but most people just want to know which celebrity is dating whom, whether Nick Nolte has had another airport meltdown, or if the new season of Lost will finally explain what the hell Lost is all about or not.
So all of this has trickled down to my laughable teablog. Even this site is celebrity driven. The increase in traffic when I mention Kevin Rose and his tea tattoo is only win-win. Or that Larry King killed Michael Jackson with his own hands for ratings week (until now it’s an unsubstantiated rumor).
Everything you’re about to read is an out and out lie. I made all of it up. Every word. It’s not even based on a whit of fact. Still, it could be true. All of it is within the realm of possibility. England could with the Cup in South Africa this summer. Not remotely likely, but a nation can dream, right?
What tea are our celebrities drinking these days? Hmmm…good question, Lahikmajoe. Let’s explore. You know Woody Harrelson drinks the green tea. Something that looks and smells like turtle urine. But green tea it is. Although it’s clearly primarily tea, this is Woody Harrelson. The aroma might very well be a mix between green tea and green leaf. To each his own, eh Woody?
What’s in Nicholas Sarkosy’s cup? I’d say, based upon my nuanced understanding of geo-politics, Nicky’s drinking a second flush Darjeeling. He and Carla Bruni might tipple in the afternoon, but the day starts with some very upscale tea. Figures.
You might think Richard Branson’s drinking coffee or some ridiculous energy drink. Wrong on the first guess, but his energy drink is tea. No doubt. He likes almost any Assam blend. Almost. And he wouldn’t turn down a smoky Lapsang Souchong.
The pope drinks Chamomile. The Archbishop of Canterbury is partial to a hearty English Breakfast blend that’s mix of a strong morning tea with lighter black teas. He’s not going to ask for it by name. Too conspicuous. Again: all true. Every word.
I know for a fact Boris Becker could care less about the tea they’re serving him. Give the guy a cup of Earl Grey. He won’t ever notice that the Bergamot oil is overwhelming. And other athletes/actors? Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris drinks the sort of tea that vanquishes your enemies and leaves time for a picnic at the end. One where Chuck Norris leaves early to go either brew up more tea of catch some bad guys.
Speaking of bad guys, how about Kim Jong Il in North Korea? What kind of tea would keep him from launching his next ill-advised loony campaign? Why not a nice cup of Green Temple of Heaven ‘Gunpowder’ tea? Certainly couldn’t hurt.
Be sure to include these factoids in your dinner party banter. You’ll be the envy of the party. Or seen as the equivalent of a mental patient who needs the kind of tea that comes in a prescription drug bottle. I’d aim for the former rather than the latter option. If you’re the life of the party, you can more easily find out what tea the celebrities are drinking. When you find out, could you let me know?